PISSED ME MAX

that stupiak woman really gets on my nerves
and testing my patience

called and asked me how much is the tingkat
I asked her u want to pay?
she said no la. just want to know how much see worth it or not?

I asked her if not worth it then what is she gg to do abt it?
she gg to cook?
then she said no la. if not worth then we own self cook?
so I asked her who gg to cook? she or me?
then she said not her la. papa can cook
and I said so who is gg to market to get the food?
she or me?
and she said no la. papa can go
and this time I really fume le
is so easy to open her mouth and say but not providing me with SOUND solutions

I asked her do u think papa will go marketing? 
and then she said well mama can go
WTF!!!
dun she knows mama is how weak now?
okie for her to go out walk walk but not to go market and buy food and carry back
still dare to shout at me and said I know mama every morning go market buy breakfast
I told her mama every morning go out walk walk not to go buy breakfast

still dare to say tt such simple qn she asked me and I cant answer her back properly and want to argue with her
I just shouted back at her "IF U DUN STAY HERE, STOP THINKING U KNOW EVERYTHING. ITS ALWAYS SO EASY FOR U TO SAY. WHO DO?"
I seriously am very pissed off
can tell us not to let mama use the kitchen toilet in case she fell, but now can tell me mama can go marketing
really dun know what is in her pig's brain
just want to grab onto straws and float .. still want to argue...sigh

dun eat tingkat then we eat what
worth or not, its not impt
matter is we got food to eat
just like I told the old folks... temp only, once mama recover, mama can cook le, but now just bear with the food, good or not, just eat first
one word CONVENIENCE

who has been cooking?  its was mama....what did papa do?
nothing .. as usual just "ordering" mama ard... and open his big mouth say this and say tt
which pissed mama off so much
kept telling her if can cure can cure, cannot cure then its fated. got to accept
mama said its so stressful. said she already try not to think abt it. take it like normal. but he just kept talking abt it. not just to her but to whoever who called and asked abt her. and she hears until very fan and pek chey

I told her coz papa cares abt her and is worried. no choice de. so jus ignored.
she said she knows. but she just dun want to hear abt it
I think I can understand how she felt.. coz its the same thinking as me bah
just let it be... live norm... and get by it each day

anyway back to the pig brain....
then after tt, bring me go ard the world
told her just tell me straight to the point
then she said if we go straight to ncc, mama might not get pioneer rate but we can choose doc
but if we get referral letter to ncc, mama will get pioneer but cant choose the doc

so I told her, anyway CGH also cannot do the job, so might as well get the referral letter and go ncc immediately and can forget abt CGH le... dun need to go CGH and waste time afterall the operation also not gg to be done there...

then she yak yak yak abt not getting the doc we want. I told her whatever doc they assigned should be a good one. cant be referral then give a lousy doc
afterall, spread or no spread, still need to operate de
so just get the referral, go to ncc, whichever doc assign, JUST DO IT

then she still yak yak yak
asked me got friends in ncc or sgh... can thick skinned abit and ask for their help blah blah blah
and I got to repeat myself many times NO NO NO NO NO... before she finally gets into her pig brain
and then she said okie just want to tell u the two options.... and u go think about it. seriously think about it.  I call u again tomolo

OMG!!
which part of my decision not clear enough huh??

really wtf

sometimes I really feel bad tt I shout at her... but hor, not tt I want to de
she made me want to shout at her
its really very easy for her to say "no tingkat. not healthy."
swee.. one sentence only. but no give solution.  then what she expects us to do?
we got to eat right?? and I cannot rush back to cook.. cant expect the old folks to wait for me....
since I decide, I get tingkat
period. case closed
dun come and tell me this and tt when u cannot offered a constructive suggestion.
period.
and dun come and ask stupid qn abt how much and whether worth or not

dun add on to my stress and burden and misery
I need to work, compose myself at work.. I need to pretend tt all is fine and well... I need to look happy at home so tt mama will be okie... I am her pillar leh. I cannot breakdown.. I am not as strong as I looked like on the external.. inside all cui le....but need to hold everything together so please.....
sometimes just keep ur mouth shut and comments to yourself
I might appreciate it better
tsk tsk

anyway sorry if I hurt u
and u know I dun mean it

IT's CONFIRMED

its confirmed
its cancer

have it spread??
another round of scope to be done next week........

but the surgery would have to be done in either SGH or NCC coz CGH said they not expert
no spread... just cut it off
spread le, also cut it off... but but but............sigh

ai ya
dun know why so much water de
keep crying
told myself its gg to be okie de not to worry or think so much
but just so sad
just hurt so bad....

just by thinking abt the past with mama ie when in kindergarten, when in pri, when in secondary, when in poly, when I 1st came out to work, when I went back to uni, when I gotten married, when I decided to get divorced, when I .. when I... many many when i...... and I will just tear like mad
she was always there... with papa....for me....

take a deep breathe
pick myself up
and stay positive
and be strong

I just so want to cry

really god bless mama
bless u and me too
*AMEN*

FOOD DELIVERY 1

 Day 1 of Tingkat, pardon the portion coz the two old folks ate before me, and these are leftovers for me... how's the food??  all dun like...lolz... and soup was the lotus seed soup.... not bad.  fish cake, long bean and chicken

Day 2 of Tingkat, again, pardon the portion.....  today was GOOD!! haha.. food to my liking but not to the two old folks... soup was the chicken with lao huang gua..... cabbage, minced pork with celery and fish.....

whats the menu for the remaining 8 days??
cant wait to see and eat.....
but I think the two old folks would have give up before the 10 days trial is up.... lolz

told papa to steam the salmon and fried egg for mama
but he did not do it
sigh
really leh... dun know what he is doing..
even if mama dun want to eat rice.. or put anything into her mouth,.. at least must eat the most beneficial food to her mah

really leh
duhz

PREPARE FOR THE WORST

overheard some conversation b/w papa and mama just now

told her to go thru the stuff with him and where she kept everything
needs to prepare for the worst

then he told her not to worry
doc knows what to do
next thur will know how to treat her
and he said something like if cannot save means cannot save
we always need to be prepare... but also must prepare or the worst

I hear le very sad
I know papa is right
he is not wrong
we just have to face it
whether we like it or not
*sob sob*

but sometimes not easy to accept de
just like got hair who wants to be a monk/nun
so who wants to die when can live
*sob sob*
sigh

mama hang in there
be strong
we will go thru this together and get over it too!!
*FIGHTING*

cheong ah!!

god bless
*amen*

EAT AND EAT AND EAT

 that sat morning, after gg to poly clinic with mama, the three of us went to the market for breakie cum lunch....mama said its papa's fav.... 

 that very night, still very full due to previous night of shabu shabu and the morning breakie cum lunch,,, I decided to go for salad....

sunday morning.....went to for breakie....  hahaha


eat eat eat.. eat and sleep
*clap clap clap*

good life

SWIPE AWAY

the other night supposed to meet the ladies
last min was postpone
and I couldn't find someone to have dinner with me

so off to one of fav economical shabu shabu place...
*nom nom nom*

not crowded so can slowly eat not afraid tt ppl will think one person and eat so long, occupied the seat.... kekeke


*blurp*

BE STRONG

apparently I am not as strong as I think I am
"its all fated" I told myself
though I saw her lying on the hospital bed and she looked so fine
it just broke my heart

on u believe it, on my way to the hospital just now
I was already tearing away
when I reached simei
I just couldn't control myself, but I told myself I have to whether I like it or not

sis called while I was on my way there, she was crying away and I cannot hear her clearly 'xxx cancer" I heard
and I thought I heard "colon cancer"
sigh
went to google and true enough, mama's symptoms are the signs of colon cancer
my heart dropped

so there I was happily chatting with her
asking her what happened? whats wrong? pretending I dun know anything and there she was telling what happened....
its either she dun want me to worry, or she also like me putting on a brave front
she told me she also not sure
check this scan there
nothing just said a tissue growing in her
asked her why she dun know she growing tissue and asked why she wants to grow a tissue.. and we laughed over it

I was joking with her tt papa and her same yeah
both likes to go there and hotel stay
told her 3d2n stay and go home le
and she replied ya spend $30K like that and she seemed so sure tt she can go home tomolo too
told me to remind papa to bring her ntuc plastic bags so tt she can put her stuff in
who got the heart to tell her, she might need to stay just a little longer
sigh
really broke my heart

but I was still laughing and talking to her
asking her to rest well since papa not ard to "stress" her or order her ard

and the papa went to tell ah ma tt her daughter is in hospital
and of coz the poor old lady will go tell her daughters la
so ah yee WA sis and sister asked who tells?
mama already said no tell
I told her not me, and she said not her
so my guess was papa or
who else
and true enough its him

sigh
big mouth
pissed mama off.. haha
I think mama dun wan to worry ah ma, just like I dun want to worry the two old folks
and also she said after discharged then tell them mah
she dun want 1 to spread to another
I still think she just dun want to worry anybody

I told her
aiya, dun say also say le
just let it be
dun go think abt it le
just stay there and be happy and rest well

mama u be strong okie
we will all get over this together
just hang in there