NOT IN MY SHOES

if u r not in my shoes, I dun think u have any rights to say me
I mean, in what position do u think u know everything??
u r not even me

we were on our way to the train station and sis asked me "r u seeing anybody now?"
"no" I went
"u not young anymore u know 40 soon... u must hurry up"
"dun have then dun have lor. what can I do?"
"did u tell ur friends tt u r actively looking and asked them to help u? r u joining any events? r u gg out to meet ppl? u must do all these u know? u cannot always like happy happy like tt, ur friends may think tt u r happy being single and therefore did not intro u potential guys?  u see la! everytime ask u to come out, u dun want. I have many guy friends I can intro u"

I tell u, my flame shot up
all the way to the end of my hair

I shouted back at her
ya, in the middle of the road
frankly IF U NOT IN MY SHOES, THEN U FUCKING HELL SHUT UP!! I DUN NEED ANY OF UR "CONSTRUCTIVE" OPINIONS....

of course, I did not say tt to my sis la
I went "ya I attended. everything which I can join, I joined. but never meet ppl. then what u want me to do? even if I really did meet, when the person realized tt I am D, they all ran away. u mean what happy happy in front of my friends? u want me to cry in front of them? have then have, dun have then dun have lor. what can I do? just wait lor"

"who said???!!!  I have many friends who also like u, they also can find a partner... u see, me also can find loo and I got a child somemore ok..... blah blah blah.. and she rattled on.. and my blood boils

and I raised my voice and shouted back .....
" u r not me. u dun know. I already tried. ppl dun want then what can I do? u want me to kneel down and beg them to give me a chance?  do u know how hurtful I am each time it did not work out? u think I very happy is it?  u r just lucky tt u found one who can accept u with a kid.  ur friends are lucky tt they met some one who dun mind their past. but so far the ppl I met mind, then what can I do? u tell me what can I do?  I already dun want to talk abt this thing, u think very happy to say is it? I just hee hee haa haa everyday I also worrying for myself. I dun want daddy and mummy to worry. they already old le, I also want to quickly settle down and let them put heart.  but dun have means dun have, what can I do? but in ur case, I saw hope. just tt the person have not appear..then wait lor. what u want me to do?  I dun want u to intro... I dun like ppl who smokes and drinks.. I cannot accept. and most of ur friends are in this category, so I dun want.  u think I dun want to go out late, drink, sit there, talk? but I just want to sleep. 9 to 10pm and I start to doze off le, u think I dun know. but this is not me, then for what... u just know how to say. have u really go care how I feel? talk talk talk.. only know how to talk"

hahaa
ya in the middle of the road, I was just blasting off at her
I mean u r not even me, u dun even know what I gone thru, or rather what I did or do
and u just simply and happily said I did not do this, I must do tt, u know this and u dun know tt
OH COME ON!
dun bullshit me

its always very easy to say, coz it did not happened to u
but if u r the one in the circle, I am very sure tt u wont say what u told me lor

then she shot back abt how can I say her friends are drinkers and smokers
she has friends who r not in this category
and I was like "OH YEAH" *rolled eyes*
no drinkers no smokers will go out to the pub and drink and listen to music?
u think what drink milk?
DUH
then she said since I know abt my problem, then I should try to go out and enjoy this kind of night life!!
OMFG!!
why should I? when I know I cannot?
seriously!!
u tell me lor, is it say for the sake of arguing with me?


sis was lucky, bill's three siblings all divorced de
with kids and no kids also have
so for him to accept VERY EASY
you know what I mean?
and for his family esp the old folks to accept, also NO PROBLEM
tts why I said sis was lucky tt she found him

but I am not lucky to find ppl like tt
first teacher... then after date 1... bye bye
then the photocopier one.... though we messaged and then went out once... also bye bye
then the doctor...went out more than thrice.... messaged each other.... end of the day he told me he wants to be alone after 1 month plus
of course along the way got others la.. maybe just messaged and then gone.. coz no feel.......or even go out le but end up also no feel
then the "retired" uncle and then the blind date

u think gg out with ppl, trying to make things work, is fun meh?
sigh
first three dates, can means can, cannot means cannot
I dun have time to drag and wait and see wat will happen
strike while the rod is hot
and I know what I want, so dun need to tell me this one good tt one no good
what u want might not be what I want

I am not a social butterfly
I dun fly here fly there and always merry and happy, sing song talk cock one
I know who r the ppl I am ok with and who are those tt can remained as friends only
I also know if we dun work out, its ok, be friends then they might have cousins or friends whom can intro
BUT U THINK THE PPL WILL WANT TO INTRO THEIR FRIENDS OR RELATIVES TO A "STRANGER" MEH?
OH COME ON!!!
be realistic la.....the moment they think u r not the one, or u uninterested, they will move on lor
u think still be ur friend.. come on lor!!
seriously *shake head*

there may be ppl out there who r like this.. but I HAVE YET TO MEET ANY so far lor
exchanged numbers le, then message, then cannot, will be forever good bye
u think they will call and say "hey I got a friend/relative, I wan to intro u"
oh please, wake up ur idea

tts why I said, u r not me, u dun know what I have been gg thru all these years
esp the part when she said "why? u still missed jerk?"
I was like "wtf! what miss?  dun have means dun have. miss what miss"
"then why dun have"
HELLO!!
I also want to know why
I also know I am not ugly.. I am pleasant looking
I also know tt those rich and handsome one wont even bother to steal a glance of me .... I also not looking for such ppl
dun say them, I also cannot be bother to even open my eyelid to look at at them lor
but ppl cannot accept my status then HOW!!!!!

I also adjusted my criteria along the way
age, educ, blah blah blah
but certain I cannot adjust or rather cannot give in then how?
I know I cannot compromise it
then no pt forcing it, coz forcing no happiness mah

frankly, if u dun have anything to say, I rather u shut up and dun pretend tt u know everything
unless u are me, if not, u dun know anything

then she still want to say abt my dressing
said I did not wear nicely
I shot her back "this is holiday what's wrong with my dressing?"
"look like ah tiong" she went
and I fumed like mad
" I am here for a holiday. I dun need to dress up for others to see, as long as I am comfortable can le. if want to dress up then why bother to come for holiday? stay home better lor"
and she still want to challenge me "u see, on the road, ppl only look at me, they dun even want to look at u lor. how to attract a potential bf like tt"
"they want to see u , its their problem. dun want to see me so be it. u like ppl to see u then u let the see lor. I dun need ppl to see me"
and she rattled on and on and on

frankly hor...I would have an endless argument with her lor but for what?
her first para already fixed her mindset tt I did not do anything to look for THE ONE
her next few papa already fixed her mindset tt THERE IS NO PROBLEM. IT'S JUST ME WHO IS NOT TRYING HARD
and finally her next few sentences already fixed her mindset tt her sis no medicine to save le.
so no point arguing..... coz her mindset is inflexible
she thinks tt life is a bed of roses.... want to find sure have de....
but the time not ripe how to find also no use lor
esp master already said "no more le" then why work so hard..... just work hard...and wait lor
have then have, no have then so be it
why always raise the hopes and end up the disappointment is so much more